My parenting journey

I remember long ago in standard 4 (now known as Grade 6), my teacher asked a question to the class. The question he asked was “What is your dream/biggest wish or desire for your life…?” Oh how I loved that question, as I have thought about it so many times. Even in my youth I would lie awake at night thinking about it and my answer remained the same. It was really the only thing that I have ever been a 1000% sure of. When the teacher asked for my response, it came without hesitation: “Sir, I cannot wait to get married and have a family!” I was 12.

Fast forward to high school. Not the favourite time of my school career as I always felt like the odd one out. Everyone else chased academic accolades and pushed hard towards their future plans in business etc. Me? You already know the answer, right?

I struggled to find that one thing that I wanted to study, as I just wanted to be a wife and a mom. I couldn’t wait for that to become my reality.
I did however, eventually decide to study teaching and I became a primary school teacher. I loved it. I actually really did.  I taught for 9 years, during which time I met my husband, moved provinces, got married and after a while fell pregnant with twins!

Now that you have the background, let me share my parenting journey.

Twins run in my family. My gran was one of a twin and I always knew that the possibility of conceiving twins was there but until the confirmation at our 6 week scan, I thought: “Me? Never!” Hahaha, life had other plans for myself and my hubby.

We were absolutely out of this world happy with the news and started planning for their arrival. All went well during the pregnancy. I carried the babies up to 36 ½ weeks. Baby B was breach, which motivated a caesarean delivery. Two girls, Tamlyn Rose and Michaela Catherine…how absolutely blessed we were. Now it was us 4 and no more. My dreams came to fruition and so in a double portion.

I have struggled with mental health issues from when I was very little. My soft heart and overly sensitive nervous system didn’t help much. Being absolutely terrified of failing at parenthood, having a “delightful” perfectionistic personality and living with sensory sensitivity left me with serious post-partum depression.

I really struggled. Big time. It was completely overwhelming. Even with the absolute amazing help of family and a fabulous domestic worker and child minder, I just couldn’t cope. I didn’t sleep. Both babies suffered from colic and the constant crying drove me over the edge. I couldn’t connect with the world and felt totally disassociated to everyone around me. I felt like I was drowning and it went from bad to worse.

I was exclusively breastfeeding both babies for 6 ½ months and at the end of that period I found myself sobbing daily and in desperate need for intervention. We got the babies over on bottle feeding and being able to hand over a baby to another pair of hands for feeding should have brought relief. Unfortunately I couldn’t deal with my feelings of abandoning my baby to someone else…not even for the short moment of a bottle feed. I was losing my footing and help was now desperately needed.

Thank goodness for my husband who insisted that I consult with medical practitioners. A 5 year period of trial and error on various medications and therapies followed. It was a tremendously difficult journey. Some days were wins and some days were just pure losses. I found a psychiatrist who walked the road with me and did not give up on helping me find the light again. I could finally parent with confidence. I changed my vocation from teaching to a half day reception post. I now had a manageable routine and time. Wow, life started to feel normal and we really enjoyed our kids. We were determined to not just cope, but also live full lives (as much as possible). We learnt to enjoy short bursts of success. Those became more and longer and soon we had a new way. Our way.

Gone was the mad following of what I’d read or what others advised. We got to a place where love and our instincts with our daughters became our biggest guides. Sure, with twins, routines were the golden high-way to sanity but it also created a secure and stable setup for all of us.

Even during the tumultuous times of puberty, high-school and walking slowly into the teenage stage and then early adulthood, we kept to certain principles that have stood the test of time. Firstly, relationship was the basis from which we disciplined. The idea was and still is to guide our children and teach them and not to break their spirits and quench their personalities.

From the start we placed great value on the fact that each child is an individual. Twins notoriously fly in tandem and it is very important to recognize and acknowledge the differences between them and accommodate it for healthy individualization.

Our parenting journey now sits in a completely different space to when our daughters were born 19 years ago. I really had to learn how to let go of my desperation to do it all perfectly. I had to leave space for flops, mishaps, issues, mistakes, terrible judgment and every other descriptive word out there. Parenting is not a one size fits all setup. Nor is it a read all about it and you’re in for a win case. It is also not just difficult

Where we are at, at the moment, is a truly beautiful place. We are a very close nit family. We absolutely love spending time together and to see our daughters’ explore life and even love. We raised them to stand on their own feet and make wise decisions and to see this in fruition is a blessing. At this stage there is very little disciplining happening, it is more the sharing of advice and the guidance when they need it.

We believe that respect in the home, from kids to parents and from parents to kids, is a basic building block. Raising children takes time! Allow for maturity to come in its natural time. Each child develops at their own pace.

Finally, we absolutely believe and we live this vehemently, that Grace towards each other covers a multitude of shortcomings and it brings gentler parenting, softer approaches and deeper acceptance. Not every disagreement needs to end in a war and sometimes less words also gets the message across.

Our daughters are beautiful inside and out. Our 19 year parenting journey has also shaped us into the people that we are now. We don’t live for ourselves any longer and to share our lives with Tamlyn and Michaela has been the biggest gift from God.

I have no regrets, we are forever grateful.